Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Zombies in Oakwood Cemetary

I am back in my hometown now for a few weeks.  Driving around today, I drove past the Oakwood Cemetery here on Broadway.  It reminded me of one of the funniest stories I had ever heard.

In every small town there is always an eccentric or two, or even a few downright nuts.  In my hometown we had the "Monkey Man", a man who rode around on a bicycle with a stuffed animal monkey draped around his neck.  In Effingham, they had a man dressed as a woman, pushing a baby carriage around.  One memory of my youth was driving through there with my father when he darted out in front of a semi truck with the carriage.  My father almost lost it... "Look at that woman, is she out of..." hesitating when he realized who it was.

There was also the Can-man.  The can man was an older man who would push a shopping cart around town picking up cans all day.  And when I say all day.  I mean, all day.  He would make an awful bunch of racket coming up the street with all his cans.  And it did not help that he would be yelling and screaming all the way up the street at anyone that would listen, including himself.  He was always dressed in a suit, and would be staggering along as if he were drunk. Sometimes, arms flailing around in front of him as he walked.

This was all too common for the regulars of the neighborhood and most did not seem to care.  But, in the late 1980's early 90's when this was going on, it probably looked like a undead straggler from the cemetery had escaped. 

Can-man would walk down Broadway, right through the front of Oakwood cemetery at dark.  Hands flailing around in his over sized suit, talking with himself as he staggered along.  We would often joke to amongst each other that a passerby would be terrified or think they might have watched Michael Jackson's Thriller one too many times while passing by.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Online Dating Tips

Recently I got into the whole online dating fiasco.  And, let me tell you, it is a fiasco.  I would create a profile, embellish all of my education and job's of course.  Which is expected, but at least make your profile pic look somewhat like you.  I always use Brody Jenner for myself.  Hey, it's not too far off!  And no, I'm not really a neurosurgeon.

Brody Jenner

That being said, the ladies are far worse.  Sometimes they are not even the same sex.  I set up a date with a girl...errr, man that had a cute little profile pic more along the lines of petite, small cute young woman.  Think Calista Flockheart in Ally Mcbeal. 

She shows up and looks like Brian Urlacher with a wig on.  Not to mention, her voice was as deep as James Earl Jones (Without the Vader mask).  I soon came to realize, that this was not the "girl" I had hoped to meet.  He left anyway, saying... "Hey, you're not Brody Jenner!". 

I am pretty sure I figured this out though.  You have to look in the girls profile.  And, in that profile you will find her interests.  If her interests are hunting, fishing, working on cars and watching football... chances are, you have yourself a dude.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

You read that yet?

So my father, who is always constantly trying to get me to read and better myself, got me this book.  It's called," Procrastination: why you do it, and what to do about it."

For some reason, I have never gotten around to reading it though. And that was over 2 years ago!  I guess that goes with the territory of writing a book about procrastination.  Anyone that would actually buy the book, would never get around to actually reading it.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Mr.Matt goes to Washington

With all of the recent problems in Washingtion, I decided to take it upon myself and head down there and straighten some of this out.  After all, Barack Obama is a Chicago guy, I'm a Chicago guy, I figured we would just sit down and have a little chat.  Just the two of us.  Is that too much to ask?

So I go down to the White House, and you know what?  They would not even let me in!  I say to the guy... "Don't I own this place?"  In theory he says, but it's not going to happen buddy, you are not getting in.

After that I was a tad discouraged, but not about to go home just yet.  I start a little walk around the corner and I see him out on the lawn.  So, I jump the fence, and start running at him yelling... "Hey! I'm from Chicago, can we just talk for a min..."

You know, they almost shot me!  It's unbelievable what a man has to put up with to have a meeting with the President these days.  I could not believe that they would treat me that way.  I mean, it's not like I was some type of nut or something.  

Friday, January 27, 2012

No Panda?

So I go into Panda Express the other day.  As I was looking through the many tasty choices deciding on what to buy, I could not help but notice there was no actual Giant Panda on the menu.

So I ended up getting into it with the manager over the fact he runs a restaurant called Panda Express, but, provides no Panda!  I say, "Sir, you have a picture of a Giant Panda on the sign out front".  He throws me out of course, but I just don't get how he can get away with it.  This is blatant false advertising if I've ever seen it.

What is next with this world?  I guess I can now expect to go into Kentucky Fried Chicken and expect to not find Chicken.  Or, maybe I can go to Bath and body works and not be able to take a bath?  Who knows what is going on with all these corporations these days.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Dr. Death?

A friend of mine recently told me that his doctor had died.  And, that got me to thinking...  And, believe me, that does not happen very often. 

Anyhow, it sort of bothered me that a persons doctor could just die like that...
I mean, that would concern me just a bit!  Hellooooo! They guy could not even save himself, how could he possibly save you? 

Now that's not to say a doctor can't die.  We are all human after all. Well, most of us.  I'm still convinced there are a few fem-bots and automaton's running around out there.  Mostly in politics.  

That being said, I think that any doctor I have in the future must be over at least 85 years old.  That proves to me that this guy knows what the hell he is talking about and he knows the basics.  At the very least, knows how to take care of himself.  Now, weather or not he gives a shit about me is a whole different story.

Then, after I tell all of this to my friend, he says to me... "Matt, the Doctor died in a car wreck."  Well, how was I to know?  I'm still sticking to my new policy.  And not only that,  I will not be riding with any doctors in the future.  Too busy texting and taking calls I guess.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

After over 10 months...

I have returned!  And, let me tell you, I have a lot to say... 

Ohhhhh Boyyyy...